The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings,
but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend
more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger
houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have
more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgement; more
experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too
tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've
learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to
life, not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but
learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush,
but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier
houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable
diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and
pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
The four basic food groups for Winter holidays are: Sugar, starch, grease and chocolate.
Real fruit cake is admired, but never eaten.
Fruitcake is soaked with rum so that no one will notice that it is last year's fruitcake.
If you can't be born rich, it sure is nice to be born good-looking.
I saw Bill and Hillary walking together the other day and I was wondering if he forgave her.
How can woman stay with a man who repeatedly cheats on her? I don't know; ask Mrs. Livingston.
The problem with the gene pool is there's no lifeguard.
I like to borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to get it back.
The pollsters are calling the wrong people. There were 10 people at my house last week and we all disapproved of Clinton.
We need a special prosecutor to investigate the poll takers.
I was at a bar last night discussing politics and sex with nearly two dozen of the finest people I've every met. Not one of us was a teetotaler.
If a woman says something and there is no man in the room, will she still know that she is wrong?
I was feeling a little lonely last night until I remembered, I got a friend in the diamond business.
I enjoyed the NBA more this year than any other year so far. Thank you, NBA.
This exam tests to see if you should be in management. If you get all the questions wrong then congratulations you are a born manager.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a professional manager. Scroll down for
each answer. The questions are NOT difficult. But don't scroll down
UNTIL you have answered the question!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think
through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you
not been paying attention? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal
Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "what is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And, now you, sir," he asked the second man.
"Hmmm . . . Let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche' for speed."
He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply,
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, "after hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."
"What?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh sure," said old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already crapped in my pants."
Bubba got the job.
John decided to go on a trip to Hawaii to relax. He wanted to
bring his cat, but the hotel would not allow it. John loved
his cat very much but desperately needed a get away.
John called his best friend, Bill, and asked him to take care
of his beloved cat as he was gone. Bill said yes and retrieved
the cat for the beginning of John's vacation. About three days
into the vacation, John got a call. It was Bill. Bill
unheartedly told John his cat had died. John couldn't handle
this horrible news.
John told Bill that if a loved one died, you shouldn't call up
the person and lay it on them hard. You should send a letter.
Maybe three. The first letter would say something like "Your
cat is on the roof". In the second letter, you would say
something like, "The cat jumped off the roof". The third
letter would say something like, "The cat didn't make it".
That would give me enough time to prepare for the bad news.
A week later, John recieved a letter from Bill. It read: Your
grandma is on the roof.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
quits after one byte
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb.
DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS
deletes all old files.
TITANIC VIRUS
your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS
everything in your computer goes goofy
PROZAC VIRUS
screws up your ram, but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS
only attacks minor files
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.
I think it's time for an update. The last thing I wrote was in March. It's now nearly the end of June. I have morphed into some kind of pale mole-person, who never sees the light because a) when I get up, it's dark; b) when I come out of uni, it's dark; c) when I'm at home, I just lock myself in my bedroom and study until my Mum comes to remind me to eat something and she slides pieces of ham and kraft singles under the door 'cos that's the only thing that fits d) my light is broken from me getting too excited about Flight of the Conchords (fair enough, considering it is one of the best NZ shows everrrrrr created) and hitting it with my flailing spider-monkeyish long arms. Anyway, I'm so pale that people squint when they look at me because they just can't take the whiteness - some even go so far as to run away screaming in terror " IT BUUUUURRRRRNS", which is what I've also taken to saying when I step outside on the odd occasion that it is light. Now I can only go outside when it's overcast and raining.
Moving on... I am constantly plagued by the "stress monster" who gives me crazy-psycho dreams about spider monkeys called Klaus Fabio Tidermann and his fantastic hair. Actually, it was more a whack email that I sent to my Engineering Practices group, but I have no re-collection of actually sending it. I think I was just so tired and messed up in my head from too much cafine or something, here it is in all it's fantastic glory:
Dearest children,
CODE BLUE! I am calling a meeting of crammage on Monday after the
Geology lecture so we can finish off the report. Small comp lab?? At
the moment I am falling asleep on the keyboard -
fdhsidghsKjngilvfhnfvjnfvnk
- there is the proof from my forehead, so I will give an update again
tomorrow when I don't feel like a spider monkey at a puppet show.
Someone pleeeeeease award me 50 points. So far, the appendix is looking
okaaay, I need to finish references and we have to add a few bits and
pieces here and there into the report. This has taken an exasperatingly
long time (I really mean that) and it needs to be AT LEAST 3 TIMES
BIGGER due to some extra stuff I'm putting in to make it snazzy.
Hopefully, by tomorrow I will not be so crazy and by Tuesday night I
will have my life back from the spider monkey. Sincere apologies for my
sleep deprived message (just making sure you know I'm not drunk....
cough cough... Tom).
Be prepared for my skillful scribing abilities. You know who you are.
Ten four - let me see you try to roger THAT!
0114 hr, T out.
P.S. The spider monkey's name is Klaus Fabio Tidermann and he has fantastic hair.
Haha - even when I'm semi-conscious, I can still put a Zoolander quote into my emails. How embarrassing.
I am in love with Bret MacKenzie from FotC AND he was in LotR too!!!
We held hands on the last night on earth. Our mouths filled with dust. We kissed in the feilds and under trees, screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves. It was empty on the edge of town, but we knew everyone floated along the bottom of the river. So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea and the shattered seasons lay, and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease. In our cancer of passion, you said, "Death is a midnight runner." The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide. We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress. The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn, as the Ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop. A few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime. I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked if you would accompany me in a quick fall; but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two. I rode alone.
You said, "The cinders are falling like snow." There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty, bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence, of blue and grey. Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city. The sun has stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon, and darkness is a mystery of curves and lines. Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward; and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched into the earth like a message.
Think you know a thing or two about kissing? You probably do. But the facts below are so off the beaten path, we’ll bet you don’t know them all—and they could come in handy. Not only could they provide some steamy “Did you know…?” chit chat, but they’ll help you see all the benefits a satisfying lip lock can bring into your life. Happy smooching!
1. Two out of every three couples turn their heads to the right when they kiss.
2. A simple peck uses two muscles; a passionate kiss, on the other hand, uses all 34 muscles in your face. Now that’s a rigorous workout!
3. Like fingerprints or snowflakes, no two lip impressions are alike.
4. Kissing is good for what ails you. Research shows that the act of smooching improves our skin, helps circulation, prevents tooth decay, and can even relieve headaches.
5. The average person spends 336 hours of his or her life kissing. 6. Ever wonder how an “X” came to represent a kiss? Starting in the Middle Ages, people who could not read used an X as a signature. They would kiss this mark as a sign of sincerity. Eventually, the X came to represent the kiss itself.
7. Talk about a rush! Kissing releases the same neurotransmitters in our brains as parachuting, bungee jumping, and running.
8. The average woman kisses 29 men before she gets married.
9. Men who kiss their partners before leaving for work average higher incomes than those who don’t.
10. The longest kiss in movie history was between Jane Wyman and Regis Tommey in the 1941 film, You’re in the Army Now. It lasted 3 minutes and 5 seconds. So if you’ve beaten that record, it’s time to celebrate!
-By Laura Schaefer
(Laura Schaefer is the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor: The Best and Worst Personal Ads of All Time).
Ok…ever had one of those moment when something turns around while you walk away and stabs you in the back?
Well Picture of every other month the one with that emo that spewed blood just did that for me today…I never noticed it before…and now it seems to have foretold the future, because I know SOMEONE that has spewed up blood and passed out and gone to hospital for it =(
Another thing, my favorite number is 8. well it always has been it just follows me around like when I turned 8 I got exactly what I wanted for my birthday, spiders have 8 legs, 8 is part of 28 and etc…
BUT now I can add a horrible thing to my list of things that have a relationship with the number 8!! SOMEONE died for freaking 8 seconds; at least they are alive now. But seriously that’s not funny, when little things seems to make things worse and yeh… *sigh*
