13 posts tagged “funny”

Mum: "Do you want to drive?"
Me: "Uh ...no."
Mum: "You're going to drive."
Me: "Deja Vu ..."
So I drove to Melbourne Uni and it was all going ok because it was a Sunday morning and everyone drives like snails. At least it was until mum said "Turn" when I wasn't expecting it and I didn't and she grabbed the steering wheel to try and make me do a U-turn so I slammed on the brakes and turned off the engine. So we walked to the bakery instead, and we were almost late for the lecture.
Bharat and Andrew turned up a little late. I didn't know that they were going to be there, so that was a nice surprise. Now I want to get to Marie's party so I'm just going to skip over the day. There were 2 general english lectures that weren't very helpful, then one one Romulus and then one on Lantana - the lecturer was amazingly insightful and I learned a lot.
It ended at 4:30 so we decided to go home instead of driving straight there. Josh asked me what the dress code was, and seeing as Andrew and Bharat had already asked I decided I should probably call Marie. She thought I said address code, but that was useful anyway for programming the thingy that tells us where to go so I didn't tell her, and I just asked what we were meant to wear and she said "Whatever the hell you want, what the hell?!". Which wasn't very helpful. She'll read this. Meh. Luv ya Maaarie ;p And then Bharat called and asked when we'd pick him up, and I said about 15 minutes and he was like "aww ... so I don't have time for a nap ...?"
I wondered how he got my number but then I read Marie's post, so all is explained.
I'm so manic depressive. I'm trying to write things and it's all like blahabala;ahdjdfhkdfhls;alkaskdj ATTENTION ELSEWHERE but anyway I'll just switch to scipt form its easier
And we found his house because we had the doodad that tells us where to go.
Me: "Hello."
Bharat: "You're not wearing any shoes ..."
Me: "Shoes are over-rated."
Bharat: "Ah ..."
(In the car) Me: "Mum, you can progam the doodad that tell you where to go now."
Mum: "Mmm, mmm."
Bharat: "Doodad? Oh! You have one of those doodads."
Me: "Yup."
And we got there a little early and Marie was waiting, and our seats had name tags. NAMETAGS OMG SQUEE! Jess stole Josh's and pretended she was him, but she didn't spontaneously hug me nearly enough. Bharat decided to burn the names, so we all did because we're all insane pyromaniacs and it was AWESOME.
We were brought pumpkin and onion and cream soup and wine. Bharat poured aome wine and said "It smells dodgy ..." and then he drank some and nearly spat it out. I wish I'd had a camera. But no-one, it seems, had thought that far ahead. Andrew did have his mobile though. I hope he got some incriminating videos of Marie. If he did, it might be a bit shaky though ... he got completely drunk. Apparently the soup was spiked. I got a *bit* tipsy off it too. I only went dancing around with no shoes laughing my head off and nearly falling over a couple of times, that's pretty good, really ... although I've forgotten most of the night. Particulary Marie's photos. Complete mental blank ... at least I didn't wake up with a goat. I don't think so, anyway ... :|
Eventually everyone had turned up and we went to go get food. I got cheese AND beans!  I was so happy. That's like, the best dinner EVER. The band was playing kiddy songs and Andrew and I were clapping our hands and singing along "Elmo wants to be a chicken, Elmo wants to be a duck, quack quack quack quack!!!" and "You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out, you put your right hand in and you shake it all about ..." and when it got up to "right leg in" Jess took her leg off and literally put her right leg in. LMAO, such a classic.
We went upstairs for seconds. I got sausage and more cheese and ... actually, I don't remember. Oops. At least I was mildly better than Marie, who was at that point struggling not to fall down the stairs. "I'm NOT DRUNK! I'm just a little dizzy. And a bit nauseous. And a bit tipsy. I'M NOT DRUNK!" She was getting more than a few raised eyebrows.
Then the lights went down and there was a show, singing and dancing and hitting on waitresses. He said "And now I need some little children to help me ring my bells" We all turned and pointed at Marie. "Yes you! The little girl at the back!" when she did get up (swearing profusely the whole way) he looked a little taken aback. "I think the little girl is bigger than I thought ..." and he gave her a bell and passed the other bells around and for the very smallest bell he chose ... a big fat old man. Hehe. As Maire tested her bell Fritz said "I think the lady is shaking a bit more than the bell ... I see she has experience with these things!" And they made a song and then the bell ringers got lollypops. (Sauerkraut flavour, he assured us.) When the time came again for chosing audience members, Maire hid under the table, but just as he came by she asked (slurred) "'sit safe now??" and we said "No." and she stood up and he grabbed her and took her down. They were supposed to Yodel. No one could yodel. When it came to Marie she went "warble warble SKREEEEETCH!!!!!", causing everyone in the resteraunt to flinch away. The last time she did it she fully screamed. Then they offerend them drinks ... a choice between butterscotch Schnapps or "vodka and orange without the vodka". One guess what Marie chose. She swigged it then nearly choked. Ha ha ha. But that wasn't the end of it. Oh wait, I was eating dessert at this stage ... oh well. Blame it on the soup. They called people up and asked where they were from, then sang songs which were supposedly from there. The japanese song contained the lyrics "konichiwa", "wax on" and "mitsubishi". Marie said she was half french, and they sang something that had Maries dad in stitches. when they went back and asked what her other half was, she said "asian" and then nearly fell over laughing. One of the men said he was Bohemian, so they sang "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts ..."
erm
teehee
They sent the people back to the tables but they weren't quite done. He looked around and saw Bharat and said "And where are you from?"
 Bharat: "The United States".
The guy was seriously taken aback. It was hilarious.
Guy: (in american accent) "The United States?"
Bharat: "Yeh ... of America ..."
Guy: "Whereabouts in America?"
Bharat: "Near Michigan."
Guy: (Pauses. Tries again.) "So what's your heritage?"
Bharat: "Indian"
Guy (visibly relieved) starts singing something from Pakistan.
Marie seemed alarmingly drunk at this stage. She proved that she could answer questions about literature in french, but she couldn't quite make it up the stairs without needing support. Her dad sked if she wanted anything, and she said "BEER!!" and we said "No, don't, she's drunk ..." so he went off and came back with a litre of beer in a mug. Jesus christ almighty. She had a handful of straws and offered them around. JR and William each took one, and she looked at the 3 in her hand and said "OK I'll just drink with all of these then ..." I quickly snatched one away. She tried some.
Marie: "Mmm, it's good beer."
Will: "That's not how you drink! I'll show you how to drink."
Marie: "Ooooh, don't challenge me!"
At this point we all realised that there was going to be a drinking competition and started to get worried.
JR tried a bit an then passed it to Will, who downed an alarming amount.
Will "I'm happy I can drink lots of alcohol."
Me: "Your liver probably isn't."
Will: "Touche." and then he went and drank another huge amount. As the mug passed between Marie and Will, emptying alarmingly fast, Marie's mum started to hover, eventually swooping down and snatching it away from her. "That's enough! Don't be like him, you're not used to drinking so much."
Marie: "He's only 17."
Kunneary (visibly alarmed) Walks off with beer.
We decided that it was time to bring on the cake. It took quite a lot of running around but eventually  we had plates, knife, and cake with candles burning. Marie was a bit out of it. She didn't seem to look at Mr Burns (Mr Smithers sadly having died of mushiness the night before) until we mentioned that he had a saphire eye. At which point she mauled the cake and removed its eye. We gave her the knife to cut the cake, but she started waving it alarmingly close to us. Bharat and I both lunged for it and removed it forcibly. The cake was surprisingly good. Mmm, dalek ...
Mum came in and had some too. Then Jess and I went down to dance amongst all the old people.
When we came back up everyone was gone. Kunneary said they'd gone outside, but we couldn't see them. Luckilly I remembered Andrew saying that they had found a playground earlier, so we went down and there they all were, balancing (some more easily than others) on the seesaw. We played around for a while, taking turns at gladiator wrestling and going on the swings. Josh went off and found a cabin-and-slide thing, then announced that it was full of spiders webs. I found little fluffy things on the roof so I picke one up and said "Want a spider?" and then threw it at him. The screams were most satisfying. I then went and did the same thing to Marie. Her screams were even more amusing. I threw them at a lot of people, actually. And even though they knew what they were, they still jumped. People are fun. And we recited shakespeare and forgot the lines and broke into song, then yelled lines from Charlie the Unicorn and then, sadly, it was time to go home. We drove back Jess and Bharat and it was surprisingly hard to get to sleep that night, even though I was dead tired. Good times, good times.

Oh and the next day was lectures on texts at school. Mr Mascarenas (how the hell do you spell that?) is such a narrow minded stupid prick who thinks the sun shines out every orifice ...
Never mind. At least I had been to a good lecture on Lantana already. Mr Bryson talked about Romulus and Curious, and also a lot about general essay writing. He was really good. I enjoyed that.
I will now proceed to copy things from MSN convos, because I simply cannot be bothered typing any more.

Knight of Ni says (6:41 PM):

I fell asleep on the bus coming home. Very bad idea. I woke up with half my body numb and the impression of the seat on my forehhead

bharat says (6:41 PM):

numb?

Knight of Ni says (6:41 PM):

the half of me that was numb was the Good Side - I went completely evil and ATE THE BUS  DRIVER

bharat says (6:42 PM):

ate?!

Knight of Ni says (6:42 PM):

lol (yeh, numb. Like when you sit on your foot for a while and you can't feel it any more. I do that a lot.)

bharat says (6:42 PM):

oh, right

and what do you mean by 'eat'?

Knight of Ni says (6:43 PM):

Go look it up in the dictionary

ew

no

I was joking. ner.

Knight of Ni says (6:44 PM):

but seriously, I must have looked pretty scary, cos when I got off everyone on the bus was staring at me really strangely

or maybe I was talking in my sleep ... I do that a lot too

bharat says (6:44 PM):

    oh wow

have fun last night/

except i have no recollection of more than half the evening

Knight of Ni says (6:44 PM):

apparently one time when I was sleeping over at Jess's I was asleep and I said "Why do I want to kiiiiiilll everybodyyyy?"

she's never let me live that down.

And I went and saw a movie on Tuesday. Here, have a thoroughly confusing synopsis.

Knight of Ni says (9:12 PM):

the main character was a guy living in india running an orphanage

Knight of Ni says (9:13 PM):

and then he gets called to denmark by this rich man who wants to donate money

Knight of Ni says (9:14 PM):

and then the character discovers that the man's 20-something-year-old daughter is actually his

(we assume that the man had planned it, cos he was dying of cancer or somesuch)

Fruit  says (9:14 PM):

o ok

Knight of Ni says (9:14 PM):

anyway, it was interesting

Knight of Ni says (9:16 PM):

but sad, because the guy has to live in denmark or he doesn't get the money, and he has to leave behind all the kids including the boy who he raised like his son

Fruit  says (9:16 PM):

what did he end up doing?

Knight of Ni says (9:16 PM):

my mouse just died. This is getting absolutely ridiculous. That's 3 just TODAY

He stayed in Denmark

Knight of Ni says (9:17 PM):

with his daughter

stupid mouse

Fruit  says (9:17 PM):

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE

bharat says (9:17 PM):

hahahahahahaha

Fruit  says (9:17 PM):

o.O

okay I think you can safely ignore the last bit.
And on wednesday we had talks about what to do in the english exam, and it was really good but it ended early so I went to the Glen with Marie to save her from having to be alone with William.
Okay I think I finally reached the end of what I absolutely had to say so I can press SAVE!!! WHEE!!!

Transcript of Charlie the Unicorn (thanks to Wikitubia)

(Charlie is sleeping in a meadow. A blue and red unicorn approach him. They speak in high-pitched, annoying voices.)

Blue: Hey, Charlie. Hey, Charlie, wake up.

Red: Yeah, Charlie. You silly sleepy-head, wake up.

Charlie: (groans) Oh, God, you guys. This had better be pretty frickin' important. Is the meadow on fire?

Blue: No, Charlie. We found a map, to Candy Mountain, to Candy Mountain, Charlie.

Red: Yeah, Charlie, we're going to Candy Mountain. Come with us, Charlie.

Blue: Yeah, Charlie, it'll be an adventure. We're going on an adventure, Charlie.

Charlie: Yeah, Candy Mountain, right. I'm just gonna, you know, go back to sleep now.

Blue: (jumping onto Charlie's back) Noooo, Charlie. You have to come with us to Candy Mountain.

Red: Yeah, Charlie, Candy Mountain. It's a land of sweets and joy and joyness.

Charlie: Please, stop bouncing on me.

Blue: (still jumping up and down on Charlie) Candy Mountain, Charlie.

Red: Yeah, Candy Mountain.

Charlie: All right, fine, I'll go with you to Candy Mountain.

(Cut to the three walking through the woods.)

Blue and Red: (singing) La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...

Charlie: Enough with the singing already.

Blue: Our first stop is over there, Charlie.

(The three stop in front of a large creature.)

Charlie: Oh, God, what is that?

Blue: It's a leo plurodon, Charlie.

Red: A magical leo plurodon.

Blue: It's gonna guide our way to Candy Mountain.

Charlie: All right, guys. You do know that there's no actual Candy Mountian, right?

Blue: Shun the non-believer.

Red: Shhhunnn.

Blue: Shhhhhuunnnnnnn.

Charlie: Yeah.

(The leo plurodon "groans")

Blue: It has spoken.

Red: It's told us the way.

Charlie: It didn't say anything!

(Cut to the three on a bridge with Blue in front, Red in middle, and Charlie in back.)

Blue: It's just over this bridge, Charlie.

Red: This magical bridge, of hope and wonder.

Charlie: Is anyone else getting, like, covered in splinters? Seriously, guys, we shouldn't be on this thing.

Blue: Charlie, Chaarrrlie, Chaaarrlie, Chaaarr--

Charlie: All right, I'm here. What do you want?!

Blue: We're on a bridge, Charlie.

(Cut to the three in front of Candy Mountain.)

Red: We're here.

Charlie: Well, what do you know? There actually is a Candy Mountain.

Blue: (dancing and singing) Candy Mountain, Candy Mountain, you fill me with sweet sugary goodness.

Red: Go inside the Candy Mountain cave, Charlie.

Blue: Yeah, Charlie, go inside the cave. Magical wonders you will behold when you enter.

Charlie: Yeah, uh, thanks, but no thanks. I'm gonna stay out here.

Red: But you have to enter the Candy Mountain candy cave, Charlie.

(Five letters (C, A, N, D, and Y) appear from Candy Mountain and sing and dance.)

Y: Oh, when you're down and looking for some cheering up, just head right on up to the Candy Mountain cave. When you get inside, you'll find yourself a cheery land, such a happy and joy-filled and perky merry land. They've got lollipops and gummy drops and candy things, oh so many things that will brighten up your day. It's impossible to wear a frown in candy town, it's the Mecca of love and candy canes. It's got jellybeans and coconuts and little hats. Candy mats, chocolate bats, it's a wonderland of sweets. Buy the candy train to town and view the candy man and the bells, it's a treat as they march across the land. Cherry ribbon stream across the sky and to the ground and astound, it's a dancing candy tree. And the candy cane imagination runs so free, so Charlie please will you go into the cave.

(All five letters run into each other and explode.)

Charlie: All right, fine, I'll go into the freaking candy cave. This had better be good.

(Charlie goes into the cave.)

Blue and Red: Yeah....

Blue: Goodbye, Charlie.

Red: Yeah, goodbye, Charlie.

Charlie: Goodbye, what?

(The door to the cave closes behind Charlie and the cave goes dark.)

Charlie: Hey, what's going on here? Hello? Who is that?

(Sounds are heard as if Charlie is getting knocked out. Cut to Charlie lying in the grass. He has a closed-up incision on his side.)

Charlie: Ow, God, what happened? (noticed the cut) Oh, they took my fricking kidney!

(Music plays and the credits begin to roll.)

By Jason Steele

For TypeQueen

Special Thanks The Letter "Y"

FilmCow.com

(Screen fades to black.)

http://Marie.Guerin.wasarrested.com/?loc=Melbourne&gen=f&story=02

The resulting conversation was plutôt amusant ... for me, NOT for Marie.
Ha. Ha. Ha.

I want to put all the books that I like into Vox Books ... but that would take a miniature age which I DO NOT HAVE, although I would like it ... if anyone has any time they would like to give me ...
Oh well.
There's a new Terry Pratchett book coming out! I just found out just then! OMG! SQUEE!
I'm easily pleased ... I was so cruddy and then I find that and everything is better ... blah.

Yes anyway, today in literature we read a poem that's about a lady undressing. Very ... er ... "sensual" (ie gross). In english Mrs Coad asked "Where are Gian and Linden?" and Louise said "They're here, somewhere. Linden promised he would come and read. He lied to me." and so Mrs Coa went storming across the school to find them. We had a class discussion about the flaws and strengths of Ed and Judy as parents to Christopher in TCIOTDITNT, and she came back half an hour later and informed us that Linden was doing his Geography SAC which was due before lunchtime. Aaanyway ... Viv kidnapped me at recess and dragged me around the school, and then I kidnapped her and took her to english. On the way there, we found a cat under a portable. A real, live cat. It was black. We poked its tail to see if it was alive and it turned around and looked at us peacefully. So random ... anyway, I made Viv stay until Mrs Coad came and then I said "Hey Mrs Coad! This is my sister. You'll like her, her name is Viv too ..." and Mrs Coad said "Hi Viv! Pleased to meet you." (she was clearly in a very good mood today. I like her when she's happy :) ) and then Viv said "Steph kidnapped me..." and Mrs Coad said "Yeah, she's like that." (I am? I guess so ... hehehe) And Viv made me write a note because she was going to be late, and I wrote "Hi Mrs Slifirski, I temporarilly kidnapped my sister to take to show-and-tell (not really, I just felt like it) Yours sincerely, Steph And I drew a happy face under it. And then I asked to go outside so I could call Bronwyn (my french tutor) and tell her I didn't feel up to seeing her that night. And the teacher let me, because she was in a good mood and is also very broody and maternal. I don't mind her form of broody-ness. She reminds me of someone, but when I think about it I realise that she reminds me of herself ... ok that would make no sense. Just ignore me, ok?
And then at lunch was Debating photos. I had to go and find Andrew and kick him in the foot and say "you're meant to be downstairs" and he said "Why...?" and I raised my eyebrow and he said "Oh right, that." and went. I love eyebrows. And consequently hate people who shave them off. That's just creepy. And has nothing to do with anything ... anyway, Gity and I followed Marie saying "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... We're in a room, Marie. " Taking mug shots of people proved rather more entertaining than one would expect of (hem hem) "mature" year 12 students. I won't go through it because most people reading this were there and it was all visual anyway. I may have to steal the photos off Wendy though ... I think she thinks I was in debating. I did turn up to one speech and occasionally helped with preparing things... Hehe, if I say I am, can I have a badge?
I discovered a new use for my jacket ... it is now to be used strictly for throwing over people. Also, coins are kidneys and must be stolen from AJ.
In maths I felt crap ... mix of headache and guilt at feeling happy. So I said "Mr Ross, can I go lie down somewhere?" Wow, talk about instant reaction ... he went all maternal and broody on me ... TOO MUCH CONCERN! I felt a bit like Christopher, I was like ... okay, please go away, I don't want you to care that much ... I don't have a swiss army knife though. Which is probably a good thing I guess. By the way, in case you haven't noticed, my life has somehow come to revolve around Curious Incident. Everything revolves around it, and I'm not entirely sure why ...
Anyway, I went to the library and found Marie. Sat down for a while, then Phil came and got me to move, and then realised that I was sick and was like, "Oh, sorry ... I meant it as a joke..." and Marie was like "Yeh, NOT funny." and then I went to the private study area except there were so many people I just went back to the library until the bell went. Then I decided that doing a french oral was a somewhat ludicrous proposition. I found AJ and she said that she would just tell Mme Saulais that I had gone home. But I didn't know whether I should go to the nurse or something. I found Bharat and he said I should probably go to the nurse so I did. I told her I wanted to go home because I felt crap (not in those words. I'm disgustingly polite and act all weak and helpless. I hate myself sometimes. Does work though.), and she said I needed to get my teacher to sign a note, and then she would phone my mum to pick me up and take me to the doctors. Which was somewhat dodgy because I HATE having to pull mum out of work to get me, and I have just strategically avoided doctors for the past week and I'm so very nearly better that it would be SO STUPID to go now ... but anyway. I went to french and she was in the other room letting someone listen back to their oral - the orals are 3 or 4 minutes long, and it takes her 15 minutes to go back over it with someone. What. The. Hell. Anyway, EVENTUALLY she came back and I told her "I'm really sick and I want to go home so I need you to sign a note." and she said "It's ok, you to it on monday." (In her ridiculous heavy french accent) Why can she not UNDERSTAND? But this is one time when it was a good thing ... I just lay down in the corner and dozed until the bell went, and so I didn't have to call mum out of work and see doctors. I hate doctors. Not as people, just as a whole institution. Anyway. I went and dozed at the bus stop with Gity. I didn't lie down and go to sleep like I did on Wednesday, but I still felt like a hobo. All I needed was some newspapers and a bottle in a brown paper bag ... hehehe, Hobo ...
When I grow up, I wanna be a hobo or a transgenic sheep-human hybrid ... Either would be good. Social outcast status! Woohoo!

And as I opened the door apon getting home, the phone was ringing and it was mum. She decided that we should go out to dinner. I can read her mind sometimes <Geoff isn't here ... I can't be bothered cooking ... going out would be easy ... I'll tell the kids it's to celebrate Steph's good score in Lit. That'll work ... he he I'm so deviously clever ...> Sure, mum, sure.
And Viv brought back Ms Slifirsky's reply to my note:

Thanks steph, I love the cheeky smile under yourname!

And she had drawn a smiley face too.
And Viv found my lost wallet in the car between the front seat and the door.
And we went to Michelangello's and had chicken and spag bog and pizza and I hope it won't make me depressed, and we had cake and mango juice and mocktails.
And it was a good day even though I didn't want it to be, and I have been on the computer for two whole hours when I should have been tidying up.
And everyone is addicted to Charlie the Unicorn.
Just because the unicorns sound like they're tripping out on LSD.
Hmm, hippy-ish ...
Come to candy mountain, charlie. It's a magical land of sweets and joy ... and joyness ...
Aw they stole my FRIKKIN KIDNEY!

Well, today I found a dead cockroach in my shoe, and I must have killed it and been walking on it. EEEEEEEEEEEEEWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEK!!
I was hyperventilating so hard I nearly passed out. I'm rather good at hyperventilating. I want a prize.
Also, my zero for part two of the bio SAC is NOT going to change. It is alternately my fault (wtf?) or a "learning experience" - WHAT? It's year 12! This is like, the only time in my life where I will be in a situation like this and the only time when it would actually matter - what is there to learn??
Aaaaaanywho, today was still a good day. Beyond good. Brilliant. Defribulationgly autosomally infrandessent. Squee! Jajajajajaja
William thought that Jess and I were on LSD. Just because we were sitting on the floor, half under the table, whispering conspiratorially about a song we had listened to and laughing like pictsies and being generally insane. Jeez, suspicious bastard ... ;D
I was in lit and I spun around in circles cos I was happy and then I was laughing so hard that I fell over and whacked my head on the ground really hard. HA! Hehehehhehe
And it was a nice day
And summer is coming
And dun dun dun de dun, dun dun dun de dun
etcetera
which is not spelt excreta
nor is faces spelt faeces
do do do de do, dum te, dum te dum
Spider pig spider pig, does whatever a spier pig does, can he swing from a web, no he can't cos he's a pig...
Tum tum la de da...
Jolly good, eh what? The word 'Ah!' can be just as sinister and devastating as the word 'Ho!'
I wanted to say something funny, but at the moment everything is funny so I think my judgement may be a tad skew-whif
Therefore you shall have to wait until the morrow for any sense.

Or, well, you know what's always funny? Comments on Youtube ... I adore youtube, but the people who comment on it seem to be some kind of transgenic sheep-human hybrids.
No, I'm sorry, that was mean. They've been doing experiments and have proved that sheep are actually quite intelligent. And they do tend to care about other sheep. Shall we say that they are trained octopi? Octopi can probably type, and though people say they are smart, they base their assertions on the fact that their behaviour can be modified using classical and operant conditioning. HUH?! SO CAN A COCKROACH'S! Seriously, anything more complicated than an aomeba can have it's behaviour modified ... does that mean that my french teacher is less intelligent than an aomeba? We can never seem to change her mind ... we'll argue with her for half an hour, valid and reasonable points which she blatantly misunderstands and rejects with the same disgustingly repetitive, invalid points that have nothing to do with anything, and at the end of it we give up trying to communicate because WE have learned something - that trying to argue with her is like repeatedly smashing your head against a solid wall. Thus my hypothesis is proved - french women are made out of bricks. Therefore bricks can make cheese. Therefore bricks are wonderful. Therefore I shall start throwing bricks at everyone I see, just to prove how much I care about them all. Share the love, everybody! Share the love ... even if you have STD's, because discrimination is WRONG.
The end.

These are some quotes that I found or have remembered.
I need to do it to cheer me up ... Josh found a dog on the road today and it died.

Do not anger a Wizard, for they are powerful and easy to anger.
Do not anger a Dragon, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

"Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is doing what you know to be right, in spite of your fear." ~ (Princess Diaries)

"Fiction and non-fiction are just different ways of telling a story ... For reasons I can't fully understand, fiction dances out of me. Non-fiction is wrenched out by the aching, broken world I wake up to every morning." ~ Arandhati Roy

People who say nothing's impossible have never tried slamming a revolving door.

Today was a complete waste of make-up.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off!

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.

"Go ahead. Bake my quiche." ~ Magrat (Terry Pratchett)

Caution, blind man driving.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

"No matter how fast light travels, the dark is always there waiting." ~ (Terry Pratchett)

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

We didn't lose - we just ran out of time.

Save the environment - plant a Bush back in Texas!

"Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d'enculé de ta mère!  I love swearing in French. It's like wiping your ass with silk." ~ (The Matrix)

"Damn! They took my kidney!" ~ Charlie the Unicorn

"It's naked time!" ~ Dumbledore (Potter Puppet Pals)

"I like sugar very much" ~ Rodolpho (A View from the Bridge)

"You've got no right, Jane! You've got no FUCKING RIGHT!" ~ Paula (Lantana)

"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"

"I don't want to go up there! I'm afraid of grounds!"  "You mean you're afraid of heights."  "I know what I mean! It’s the grounds that kill you!" (Terry Pratchett)

Buggrit, millennium hand and shrimp. (Foul Ole Ron)

The trouble is that things *never* get better, they just stay the same, only more so.

"Why's it called Ming?" said the Archchancellor, on cue.

The Bursar tapped the pot. It went *ming*.  (Terry Pratchett)

I want to clean your dirty cups from the in-side out (Black Books)

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.  (Terry again ... and, yeah, the next ones are all him too. I like Terry Pratchett.)

"You can't go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it's just a cage."

"That's right," he said. "We're philosophers. We think, therefore we am."

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.

Om began to feel the acute depression that steals over every realist in the presence of an optimist.

"Go ahead, bake my quiche"

Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.

"My father is the Emperor of Klatch and my mother is a small tray of raspberry puddings."

"Real children don't go hoppity-skip unless they are on drugs."

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose.

It matters whether I  win or lose. (That wasn't Pratchett. I don't know who that was. Nor can I attribute the following ones.)

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle aged men.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing well.

If you think little things can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.

I would write a poem about how completely apathetic I feel, except I can't be bothered. I also can't be bothered finding any more quotes. I will probably think of some priceless ones as soon as I log off, but never mind. Feel free to comment with your favourite quotes and I may add them to this far-from-definitive list.

The commandments of a SENSIBLE God:

The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which includes the Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts", is a satirical text written by Bobby Henderson that is considered to embody the main beliefs of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), a parody religion mocking Intelligent Design (ID).

Captain Mosey and the Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

While brooding atop Mount Salsa because he can't find a pirate ship, Mosey the Pirate captain receives some advice from the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the form of ten stone tablets. These were called the "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" by the FSM, the "Commandments" by Mosey, and the "Condiments" by his Pirate gang. While there were originally ten "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts", two were dropped on the way back down the mountain, with eight remaining. This event "partly accounts for Pastafarians' flimsy moral standards". The FSM's commandments address the treatment of people of other faiths, worship of the FSM, sexual conduct, and nutrition.

[edit] The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go f*** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the b*******.
6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
   1. Ending poverty
   2. Curing diseases
   3. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
      I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?
8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

Today was really tiring.

I got out of bed really late because my alarm clock has broken and I cannot afford a new one at the moment.

I feel unusual because my antidepressants are making me hairy.

I'm so sad. My kitten got run over this afternoon. I found him when I was coming home from school. His head was all squished. I took some photos. I'll miss him. Poor kitty.

Last night I had to finish my term paper on the history of pre-communist Russian society. I focussed on the needs of women. I think it's ok, but if I don't pass this I'll lose my scholarship.

I want to tell the world that I love you all! You're all so special to me!

I am sharpening my knives before I go to work today, because I'm going to cut out Robert's heart and feed it to him for losing my mail.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's ten thousand photographs of my cat. Yes, the one that got run over.

I want to say thanks to the academy for giving me this award.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, and should stop smoking drugs.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you what your favourite sexual position is.

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this poem I wrote. It's about my friend Robert, who has bipolar disorder. Just like me. And Heidi.

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