23 posts tagged “life”

Ya, the last post was a tad too enthusiastic for its own good. So shoot me.

Anyway ... more updates.

A couple of weeks ago my great aunt Ingrid came to visit. She stayed with grandma for most of the week, but we had her on wednesday. She's been living in America for the past 50 years, but she still sounds charmingly Swedish. I can't believe I've never met her before. She's an animal trainer and always has been. And she's so nice and friendly and loves everything. Particularly my dogs. =D
We took her to the Wallaby Yards and showed her newborn wallabies - little tammars. So cute. Then we went to GWSC so I could get them to sign a thing saying I can do my exams there, and all the teachers talked to me and said "Come back if you need help anytime! Really! Or just visit! Anything!" Nice to be missed :P Then we went to Melbourne Uni, but the O-week bbq was already over (aw). We ate at the union building, then went to the zoo. I got a couple of good pics of a snow leopard. The Orangutans were SO COOL - one of them swung up the the viewing platform, saw us all watching, and covered itself in a box. From time to time it would peek out, see us still watching and try to hide better. Eventually it gave up, waked over reaaally close to the glass, staring into the eyes of a little boy, hypnotised with his nose pressed against the window. Then a little girl came and shoved him out of the way, and the orangutan got bored and went and got it's box, then lay down to watch the other orangutans - but it got too absorbed and leant too far over, and it lost it's box over the edge! He was like ... crud. I love the zoo : )
Then we went to see the wild bat colony. Bats are great. Like huge, flying rats (with big sharp pointy teeth : E3  < emoticon with teeth.).
On saturday we went to the zoo agin, so Viv could get more pics (she went to the zoo with school on friday). I drove there and the traffic was soooo shithouse. Of course dad and Viv insisted on sitting still for half an hour everywhere to get the perfect shot. I was a tad bored by the end of that. But oh well. They did get some good shots.

Last thursday I took my dogs to TAFE for show and tell. Everyone loved them =D

On saturday I Marie and I went to Jess's place to watch Torchwood (why can I never remember the name of that series? Argh)
And today I went to Josh's place. I got there before he did, and his dad had NO idea who I was or why I was there. That was kinda funny.
Josh helped me with maths and we ate way too much. He spent ages trying to convince me to eat fish. He lost. I am the champion of obsinance. Then we played scrabble and cheated (why would you play if not for the fun of cheating?). And one of his rabbits is seriously aggro. It is the monty python rabbit. Yay! ^_^

And apart from the normal paraphenalia of stuff I do (like fat pony walking, yoghurt-drop-feeding rats and getting my dogs to tell me whether they prefer Mama Mia to Sex Bomb), that is mostly all. Toodles!

PS heat is bad. I dislike heat muchly.

PPS driving is now 44 hours, 15 mins and counting. I have my first lesson on wednesday.

It's getting to the point where I'm not sure whether I'll ever have the time to expand on my previous list of stuff that's happened since the exams. But now I have a little while - not long - so I'll make another dot-point summary of the stuff that's happened since I failed to expand on the last list. Only I can’t remember heaps of it. Damn. I’ll try and go through old emails to jog my memory … If I forget stuff or say something wrong, please correct me.

• I had my birthday party. We went to see The Golden Compass and had gelati. Some people came back to my place and played Uno and stuff. I got some awesome presents. Score : )
• I emptied my old piggybank and found $82 and 40 cents and 2 rupees and a button.
• I started helping at the Summer Film School. I got a lot of driving practice going to and from Melbourne Uni. I feel like I was cheating … I did almost nothing to help yet I got to do the entire course for free. The best bits where when I got to act like a brazen hussy on stage, and when they shot someone with a sub machine gun. In the lecture theatre. Hehe.
• And that took a whole month, except for the few days I was disgustingly ill. But I did get a diploma in filmmaking. So random …
• The Uni of Melbourne is up itself.
• I started studying Psychology and Maths Methods (why am I such an idiot … please shoot me now…) by distance education.
• I went to TAFE and sort of “accidentally” became a student. So now I’m doing Small Business Management. Yay … at least it’s useful.
• And I also started my Dog Obedience Instructor’s Course. That’s great. I love it.
• And in my “free time” (wasn’t this supposed to be a year off?!) I do my dog sports – agility, freestyle, hiking etc.
• In case you didn’t grasp that last little lament … I have basically no free time. So I tend to not do homework and go out with people instead. It’s great. Stuff that we did in the past while:
• On the 13^th of January (Since I went through emails to find dates I might as well put dates in, hey what?) some people went to Jess’s place to play games. Andrew put the counters in Marie’s shoes. It’s becoming a habit, that.
• On the 19^th we played Laserforce. Josh and I played pool afterwards – I suck. Hoorah!
• On the 22^nd we went to see Romeo and Juliet at the Botanic Gardens. It was slightly modernised in some points – like the truck – and it was really funny. People think tragedies shouldn’t be funny. I disagree. Some of the actors could have been better, but Romeo, Mercutio and Benvolio were great and they’re the important ones, aren’t they :P
• On the 28^th was the Australia Day Duck Race, so Marie and Jess and Josh and I (and Josh’s friend) went to Birrarung Mar to watch. Some of the little duckies escaped, and the lifesavers “rescued” them. We didn’t manage to steal a duck. Disappointing.
• On the 3^rd of February we had a picnic at Jell’s Park. I took my dogs. The merry-making (ie football kicking and Bang playing) went on well into the afternoon.
• On the 7^th, Meggs passed away. I have already written about him, of course. : (
• But on the 8^th I went to My RSPCA interview anyway. I had my first day last Friday (22 feb)– I’m alternating between dog walking and working in the education barn.
• On the 12^th we went to see Sweeny Tod. It wasn’t as gruesome as we feared, because the blood looked like paint. They went through a LOT of paint. And all the songs are stuck in my head. Even the one about the cat pies.
  
• Went to Aparna’s place on the 13^th and watched “My Fair Lady”. I love that movie. It cracked me up. Mum left home with her phone turned off not knowing the house number. When I realised this I frantically SMS’d her and luckily she got it in time to interrupt us very conveniently at the end of an amusing card game.
• On the 15^th I went to Josh’s place and we played Imaginiff and stuff, and went to AJ’s house for lunch. After Marie and Andrew went home we watched Ever After, which was surprisingly enjoyable.
• On the 16^th I took Mystic to the Papillon club trial in the morning (she did some crazy stuff, but she had FUN!!! WHEE!!!), then raced off to my instructor’s course, went home and had lunch then raced Merry off to a trial in the afternoon. She fell off the A-frame in the first run, and refused it the next 2 runs. Her final run – at about 10pm – was Jumping, and she was just a few seconds overtime. Everything else was *perfect*. Love that dog.
• I went and crashed The Monash Law intro day. Which actually meant that I got stuck for hours in a horrendously boring lecture. But when we got out there was free food (and mud). And lots of friends were there, because most people I know are going to Monash … And they joined crazy clubs and Marie beat a knight with a big stick for ages, and we went and saw an incredibly suggestive play. Actually, it went through suggestive and out the other side. It contained condoms.

 

That took me way too long to write, even in a form more condensed than Campbell's pea soup. Ah dear. I should write more often and not get behind like this … but such is life.

Okay now sorry if this is slightly inaccurate or if I skate over things. It was, what, 10 or 11 days ago now. I remember noooo-sink! Well I actually do. But it’s hazy. A glorious little hazy blur, just like the inside of a cataract (last bit is a Simpsons quote, ok?)

Spent about 15 minutes the night before convincing mum that I really *did* need a uniform to creatively destroy. Got there in the morning and couldn’t find my friends. I asked a girl I thought I’d seen before if she’d seen Marie and she said “No, but when you find her can you punch her for me?” Well, I did find her. We went around and signed shirts. Lots of shirts. Marie immediately took up half my back (and spelt her name wrong!) and Gity took the other half. All further attempts to sign my shirt were preceded by words to the effect of “Oh my goodness, there’s not much room”. And they signed my sleeves instead. By the time Phil turned up it was time to go to the hall for a ‘practice assembly’. Wasn’t much of a practice. We went through the song twice. Then we went out (Bharat had turned up by this stage) and started preparing for the skit. This involved me running to the Glen to buy a bottle of ‘piss’ (Juice. Orange I think.) and Jess and me going to the library to find a newspaper, or, failing that, and article about Ben Cousins and some horoscopes. Well, newspapers cannot be taken, only photocopied. Neither of us had a photocopy card. All horoscopes are blocked on the school network. Plan suitably imploded, back to the sci-tech. Well, assembly time came. I figured I was no longer needed for the ‘slutting it up for myspace’ scene (Phil did this perfectly well on his own. Teehee.) and went to sit next to Jess instead, and used her scissors to snip and generally artistically mangle my dress. Speeches came and went blowflies through the house when there’s a dead rat in the roof. Mr Penso made jokes about the ‘nicotene brothers’ and bagged his own ‘VCE swimming pool’ obsession. God I hate that pool. When Mr Penso talks about it I think he might just be trying to kill us all by making us fall asleep while we’re trying to swim. The first act was some guys running around stage to the tune of Doctor Jones, which was followed by (w00t) Marie, Bharat, Phil and Vanja. I have the whole script. Here I am not sticking it in because I’m hoping that EVENTUALLY it will end up on youtube or some other form of electronic media. If not, I will stick in the script. Teehee. It was great. And Phil didn't think it would work. Shun the non-believer. Shunnnnn-uh. Mr Imam was sitting right behind us and giggling the whole way through. As they were introduced everyone in the audience went “oooh it has MARIE in …” (ie, prepare to be bombarded with sick humour.) They were not disappointed. ‘ra for bagging every dodgy facet of modern society. :D

And then we all went home and had strawberry ice-cream.

Actually no we didn’t. We sat through a gay version of back street boys (people didn’t quite get the irony of this following the patronising statement that teenagers are unable to laugh at anything other than a gay joke). Then we had some good songs, some bad songs, got bombarded with hundreds of painful lollies during one of the latter, and then we were all called up to do The Songs. I was still sucking a lolly and had thrown away the wrapper. Oops. I nicked someone random person’s lyrics ‘cos no-one had had enough foresight to bring theirs, me included. I’m going to remember the line “Hit Me Ramsey” for a very, very long time. The song is, in fact, on youtube, but the camerawork is frankly shite and very sea-sick-making.

And THEN we all went home and had strawberry ice-cream.

Well no, actually, I went home and had a shower and waited for mum and dad to come and take me to Jess’s place, where she and Gity and I watched Doctor Who and I ate junk food (as is my wont) and generally made time disappear into a black hole, which we will never get back (unless of course my plans to make a real working Tardis actually happen. Which would be awesome.) Did make up – Marie turned up in time to tsk at my eyeliner, add more, realise that it was way too much and painstakingly remove most with one of those ear cleaney cotton stick thingys.

Wayne drove us. Wayne does corners way too fast. We got lost and did 3 or 4 circuits of the park before he finally gave up and called Albert by the Lake, and of course we found it as soon as the phone started ringing. We tried to figure out where our table was and couldn’t, until Josh found us and showed us to where AJ was sitting in a dress! Squee!

And we took loads of photos and the food was boring and mildly shithouse, and Gity had brought the blue unicorn who takes LSD and steals Charlie’s kidney. We had fun torturing him.

And eventually the music improved and we went to dance, and it was awesome and fun and stuff. And Gity danced with a cow, and she was happy, and Marie convinced Mr Tatnall to dance with her, and then we joined the end of a conga line (he told her off for abandoning him. Hehe…) AJ and various transitory other people made a collection of glasses filled with water on which you could play the tune of Fur Elise. Yay!

Oh yeah, and we graduated.

Took a while to get through everyone. Half the year level up, classes in rows and people arranged alphabetically, call out name, shake hand with principal, take certificate, go away. Wow, that was really worth attending school for 14 years.

Aaaand … yeah. Went home, had shower, got up 5 hours later, got in the car, picked up Gity and Marie, went to Jells Park. On the way we saw a whole hoard of people making their way there, still in their formal clothes. (Nuts, all of them. Nuts. With beans.) We got slightly sidetracked. We were faved with a fork in the road and mum said “which way?” and we all pointed right so she took the left road. Sigh. Anyway, got there, met people. We were going to the playground but Jess came, so we didn’t.

About half the people there had stayed out all night and were looking slightly fatigued.

 

I will continue this tale after I have taken the dogs for “A little shit tour” outside. Mum’s words, not mine. Eloquence and propriety are her particular fortes.

 

Okay I’m back. Where was I? Oh yeah, breakfast. I went up when they first called out that food was ready, so I only had to stand and get blinded with smoke and flying grease for a little while before I got a sausage. The other people had to wait in a line. Suckers (snh snh snh). When everybody had been suitably fed, we resumed our quest to find the playground. We played on the swings. Swings are teh awesomeness personified.

Then I went exploring. I remember it from when I was a little tacker. Fond memories. ‘twas nice. For some reason we all ended up on the rope thingie. (Yes, I know, I have a very vast and varied vocabulary…) Actually, I think it may have been my fault, cos I went over there to sit with Andrew and David (and to take photos of him being a fool).

Other people started playing with a Frisbee, so I went to the car to see if I could find some sort of object for us to play games with, but there was none, even though there usually are. This is the downside of actually tidying things up. Mum said either she would drive Gity and me home now or we could make our own way back whenever. I went to tell Gity and bumped into Bharat, who had only just bothered to wake up. Gity said stay, so we stayed. Mum brought out a sunhat and sun block, but it was cold and I was wearing a jumper and I didn’t want any. She was disgustingly smug when I got sunburnt, damn her. I would listen to her more if she wasn’t wrong 75% of the time.

Anyway.

Oh, and Josh took a picture of this Minah bird that came and stole our drinks.

I don’t think people had really eaten enough, because someone decided that we catch and eat it. I think it may have been me. And then throughout the day there were multiple suggestions that we catch and roast assorted wildlife.

Phil and AJ and Gity and Marie and I all decided to take a wander down to the lake. Most people were starting to head off at this point, but it was a nice day and we had all been sensible and gone to bed the night before. It was really nice. The daisies in the grass were blooming, causing nostalgic memories of daisy chains in primary school and, in some cases, hay fever. We talked and laughed (Phil actually collapsing onto the floor pissing himself when we told him about the SMS Marie got from … someone …)

 We got to the lake and decided that the other side looked decidedly greener, and we set off again.

We found a sign pointing out the way to the Dandenongs. “Hey, let’s all walk to the Dandenongs!” “Okay, lets go.” I called Jess to inform her of this. She didn’t seem to find it quite as hilarious as I did. If it’s possible to raise an eyebrow verbally, she did. She told me that Josh had come to find us. AJ tried to phone Josh, but he didn’t answer. About 1/3 of the way more around the lake, we realised that his number had changed and I called him and told him where we were going. He caught up to us just before we reached the other side, riding very fast on his bike.

AJ threw a rock in the water and suddenly every duck in the lake was at our feet, staring up hopefully underneath the signs that said basically “If you feed the ducks they will die”. I suggested we eat them. Duck is nice.

On the way back Phil tried riding in tandem with Marie. It didn’t really work very well, but at least they didn’t kill themselves.

About this point Phil realised that I had just walked a couple of kays over gravel with no shoes on. For some reason, this surprised him. I explained: “I don’t like shoes.”

On the way back I made friends with one of the many flies who were enjoying the now sunny weather. His name was Frank. I said, “AJ! I found a new friend for you! His name is Frank.” And I proudly proffered the little animalcule for her inspection. She killed him. I collapsed in hysterics. Josh took my shoes. As we passed the teahouse we met an odd sight – a post wearing a child’s jacket. It looked eerie. I took a photo.

We found Jess under a tree, and we lay there for a while. It was calm and warm and nice. Josh found a very pretty bug and Gity named him Quentin, and he was my friend and Marie smacked my hand and made me lose him. AAAAAAAA

 Next time I will think a little harder about what I wear, cos my top was too short for my pants and I had to keep pulling them up. You didn’t need to know that. Sorry.

After an hour or so of lizarding (lying outside and enjoying the sun), we decided to get lunch at the teahouse. It was very expensive. Josh took photos of people’s shoes. Jess’s grandpa was there, and he took her home, and it was time for us to go home too.

“Er … how exactly are we getting home?”

“Let’s walk.”

“Okay.”

Hm, great idea. All the way from Jells Park to the Glen. It was fun though, in an it’s-suddenly-35degrees-and-we-don’t-have-hats-or-sleeves-or-sunblock kind of way. Except for Marie, who had sun block so she didn’t burn her eyelids again, and of course Gity has her scarf. People took turns riding the bikes. When Marie rode Phil had to carry her handbag and he struggled for a while to see if there was a word for how it made him feel, and came up with “emasculated”, and then wasn’t sure if it even existed. We found a bus stop, but the bus wasn’t gonna come for ages so we kept walking. Eventually AJ and Josh had to split off to go home, and eventually Phil too. Gity and Marie and I were getting thirsty, so we went and became juvenile delinquents and stole water from someone’s garden tap. And we came across the Glen, all majestic and huge and air conditioned, and Marie went to catch the bus and Gity and I went and bought ice-cream. Not strawberry. But it was nice. And we went home. And it was late. And there was a guy on our bus still in his formal clothes. And we raised our eyebrows at him, but not while he was looking, because that would have been rude. The end.

 

PS, today was our English exam. I think it went moderately shite. Won’t know until results come out. Went to Jess’s house, didn’t really do much useful but ate good food and watched 300, which is incredibly Gory (with a capital G) but also beautiful. And yeh. Other exams next week. Eep etc.

The actual end.

Well, it will be once I've pinched some of Josh's photos and stuck em in where they should be. Tomorrow. Pip pip.

Edit: Done it. The END.

I just wrote this. It kinda freaks me out. And yes, I know I've used the phrase "sound of silent tears" before, but it's a nice one. I like it.

My heart is bleeding. They ripped it from my chest while it was still beating, and they hold it in their fists, dripping gorily.

This is my story. This is the sound of silent tears.

Every day, more come. Big, yellow trucks. Bulldozers, factories, uniforms and clipboards. Murder weapons. All official, written down and signed by some stuffed bureaucrat in an ivory tower. I cannot complain. I can never complain. They turn their heads and they cannot hear me screaming. They ripped at me, tore at me, stole away my children and raped me mercilessly … but I am still alive. How can I be, when there is nothing left but pain? How can I go on?

But I am the ageless one, and the death of my body will take an age longer than the death of my soul.  I am the earth, and I can hear you laughing.

I gave you life. I gave you everything you ever needed, but you took more than that. You took more than I could ever stand to give. Once there stood massive forests, full of life and wonder. A miracle it took a million lifetimes to grow. You destroyed it all in an instant. Your tender hands are drenched in the blood of a million lives a million times over and you do not even realise it, or perhaps you do not care. I loved you once, as I love all my creatures. How did it ever come to this? Where did I go wrong? I gifted you with minds, I gifted you with a spirit, I thought I had gifted you with morals but I know now I was wrong, oh so wrong. And now the children have grown into men, and there is nothing I can do now but wait.

I once thought that there was hope, but now even that eludes me as I lie here watching the destruction of everything I cherished. I never thought that it would come to this. The only relief I can see from the endless torture is my impending oblivion.

Goodbye, my children. Do not worry, I have forgiven you. I know that it is all my own fault. I think that when I gave you minds, I forgot to give you hearts…

I got some new toys on Saturday: "The Algebra of Infinite Justice" and "The God of Small Things". I found a quote which I adore. Would it be too presumptuous to say it reminds me of me? I will say instead then that this is what life should be, and what I want my life to be:

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the sadest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try to understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget." ~ Arundhati Roy

There are 4 days left of school. Functionally, only one. Of course I always knew in theory that these final days would come.
In theory.
In theory, it is our time to go out into the world as young adults and leave our mark.
In theory, I will be able to see my friends again.
In theory, I should be studying.
In practice ... I am terrified. I feel like a deer in headlights. Too much is happening and under pressure I shut down. I stop thinking about the future because it is too daunting, and instead focus on each minute as it passes. I skip classes so I can talk to my friends. I stay up until midnight so I can talk on MSN. I try to do something and find that hours and hours later I have still achieved nothing.
Watch me now as I shy away from even these thoughts and suddenly change the subject. There are road workers outside our house. They keep on blocking off the road so it's hard to get anywhere. This afternoon they've completely blocked off the front of our house, so to get in I had to go down the neighbour's drive and climb our back fence. Which reminds me ... I need to call Bronwyn and warn her (my french tutor). It's the last time I'll see her before my french exam. Oh godess above help me...
 Everybody has been signing yearboks, and having theirs signed. It's ...
There are so many things happening.
What if we drift apart? I have my own little microcosmic world, built on the sure and steady foundation of my friend's love. I don't know how to live without them. Yes, I will make more friends I suppose. I hope. But, grief, I love you guys so, so, so much ...
I'm crying as I write this, but I know it will be ok. We'll be friends forever ... or else, as I wrote in Josh's yearbook, I'll kill you. Even if I do end up moving to New Zealand permanently, I will make sure to come and visit often enough that I have a spare house key and I know where you keep all the good food.
There are no mistakes in life. There are never any regrets. There is only life, and we have to live it. Love every moment. Friendship is the most beautiful thing in the world. You are the most wonderful people in the world to me. I love you. Never forget that.

What experience or moment in your life have you learned the most from? 
Submitted by AngieK. 

Experience ... well I think I'll have to say my depression in year 7 was a very defining time of my life. I think that coming through that has helped to make me the person who I am today. Just getting to understand how a mental illness works from the in-side-out was a very valuable experience.
I think sometimes you need to experience the loss of something to understand what you have. During that time, things began to fade ...
I forgot about the future, and about the past. Not in any dramatic amnnesia-type sense, but they just slowly lost any sort of importance. The only thing that mattered was the present. The only thing I wanted to do was sleep. School was unthinkable, too big, too loud, too full of faceless people. People who just couldn't understand me. What I didn't think about was the fact that for the disconnection to be so profound, two parties were to blame ... I forgot about other people, in a way. I no longer tried to see the world from their perspective. When my parents dragged me screaming and crying from my bed, in my mind it was cruelty, not love. They wrapped me in a blanket and physically heaved me into the car, because otherwise I would have run away. They put the childlock on so I couldn't open the door, and they drove ...
I looked on the psychologist with scorn. Her office was full of stuffed animals and her affectedly reassuring voice told me to do daft things. "Draw a house with these crayons," she said. She feigned peaceful acceptance but I know she was taken aback that my house was surrounded by flowers and light. But the world was still beautiful, you understand. Perfectly calm, perfectly wonderful. Everything was fine. It's just that people wouldn't leave me alone. "Make a story," she said, and showed me cards with drawings on. I told her that there was a girl in the room, and she was afraid because she thought there was a monster behind the door. But one day the door was opened, and there was the creature ... but it was no monster. He was frightened of her and he was just trying to hide. And she talked to him, and they became friends. The cards, I informed her, were utterly ridiculous and completely uninspiring. I told her she should get a new set that were somewhat more interesting. Again the hasty trained mask, but I could see that she was taken aback. Had she not expected me to have a mind and will of my own? And my parents talked with her, and they discussed my future, and it was not what I wanted to hear. I cannot remember te conversation, but I remember enough to realise that my mother must have been on the verge of tears. I did not realise that, at the time. The, they were just my captors, and I loved them at the same time as I hated them with a desperate passion. And they were saying these things, and I cried, and I hid under the chair and I held on and I would not let go because it was my shield from their words which were cutting me like knives.
I hated it, in the institution. I cried myself sick. They let me keep my books, but they had taken everything else ... shoelaces and plastic bags (in case I tried to kill myself), my parents, my life. I got used to it I think, after a time. It was so monotonously, endlessly boring. I took all the playing cards off the shelves and sorted them. There were three uno packs. I tried sorting them half a dozen different ways, and with these little things, with this order and control, I was in a way contented. In art I made a cirlce pattern, full of complex swirls and lines. There were no scissors, and the protractors were blunt plastic. Just in case. People were amazed with my artistic skill. I didn't want their recognition. I wanted to be left alone.
There were other girls there, most a few years older than I was at the time.
Walking up the stairs, she asked me "Are you ok?" I thought about it for a while.
"No," I replied. She smiled a little.
"Fair enough. None of us are, I guess. Otherwise we wouldn't be here."
I was never told anything about them, but their stories unfolded before me nonetheless. "I threw up in the shower ... I'm sorry ..." "And you haven't been pulling your hair out so much, either! It's started to grow at the back, I'm so proud of you!" Little snippets of conversation, little glimmers of other people's lives. And wothout the labels, I got to know them as people. Individuals like me, with hopes and dreams and fears.
"You've been here for a long time. You're much better. We think we have to send you home."
"No, no, please! Please don't send me home! I'll die there, don't make me, he'll kill me! Please!"
The peaceful conversations were more numerous, but of course the words fade. I remember one though. I was in the kitchen. She asked me, "Why are you spinning around in circles?" But she saw my smile, a rare thing, and she understood. "It just makes you feel happy, doesn't it?" and I nodded.
They were nice. They were all nice. And understanding, and accepting. They were like normal people, but with their eyes and hearts open ... and with some problems. But who doesn't have problems, really? Little phobias, strange habits, obsessions and depressions ... some more, some less, everyone affected.
I know a lot of people who could be considered "abnormal" in some way. But so much of the time these people are better off than the "normal" people, because they have compassion and a love for life and other people that is truly special. And that is what it is to be human. What it should mean to be human.
What I lost most of all during that time of my life was people. So now ... now I can more fully appreciate them. Oh, and how I do! the love I have for my friends and my family is the solid foundation on which I have rebuilt my mind. Life is beautiful. There are still flowers around my house, and benevolent "monsters" still lurk in my cupboard. But this time there are people there as well. People with minds of their own, who see the world in a very different way to me. And I love them, and I know that they love me. And there is a past stretching behind me, full of memories nd experiences to learn from. And there is a future stretching before me, and it is bright and full of possibilities.

Show us what the weekend has in store for you.

And just a thought can set my heart pounding. I feel it shaking through my body like fear.
I breathe harder and I try so hard to conceal it, as if it is a weakness to hide away from others.
My palms sweat and I wipe them hastily against my thigh.
These are my stigmata. This is the sound of silent tears.
Each day I stand among you, one of the masses, part of the crowd. You cannot see me, although sometimes I wonder why you cannot hear my heart beating so loudly agaist my eardrums.
Ba doom, ba doom, ba boom.
It is the sound of fear
The sound of a desperate longing
It is the sound rocking me to hard-won sleep.
But then the dreams come. They scream at me, tear at me; hungry beasts ripping at the fabric of my mind, exposing the bones, and they can never let me heal. I am raw and bleeding and there is no respite in a world of cruelty and lies.
I wake. There are tears on my cheeks but I do not own them. I can never cry. So I walk away. I pick myself up and I walk, and around me the world is changing.
I see flowers. I hear birds. I feel grass beneath me feet. And slowly, inevitably, I soften. The jagged edges of my world gently blunt themselves against the summer air. I sit. I watch. I listen. And for a time, I feel safe. I build myself a little everywere, and I let your voices reach me, and the nightmares see the light and flinch away.
I walk again. My heart is beating still, always beating, urging me on. I can never stay for long. The drums of my existance, beating in my veins.
Ba doom, ba doom, ba doom.
It is the sound of laughter
The sound of joyful dancing
It is the sound I hear when you walk into a room, and I am happy.
And then the dreams come. But I awake, and I do not remember. There are tears on my face, but they are not mine. I do not own them, for I can never cry.

I want to put all the books that I like into Vox Books ... but that would take a miniature age which I DO NOT HAVE, although I would like it ... if anyone has any time they would like to give me ...
Oh well.
There's a new Terry Pratchett book coming out! I just found out just then! OMG! SQUEE!
I'm easily pleased ... I was so cruddy and then I find that and everything is better ... blah.

Yes anyway, today in literature we read a poem that's about a lady undressing. Very ... er ... "sensual" (ie gross). In english Mrs Coad asked "Where are Gian and Linden?" and Louise said "They're here, somewhere. Linden promised he would come and read. He lied to me." and so Mrs Coa went storming across the school to find them. We had a class discussion about the flaws and strengths of Ed and Judy as parents to Christopher in TCIOTDITNT, and she came back half an hour later and informed us that Linden was doing his Geography SAC which was due before lunchtime. Aaanyway ... Viv kidnapped me at recess and dragged me around the school, and then I kidnapped her and took her to english. On the way there, we found a cat under a portable. A real, live cat. It was black. We poked its tail to see if it was alive and it turned around and looked at us peacefully. So random ... anyway, I made Viv stay until Mrs Coad came and then I said "Hey Mrs Coad! This is my sister. You'll like her, her name is Viv too ..." and Mrs Coad said "Hi Viv! Pleased to meet you." (she was clearly in a very good mood today. I like her when she's happy :) ) and then Viv said "Steph kidnapped me..." and Mrs Coad said "Yeah, she's like that." (I am? I guess so ... hehehe) And Viv made me write a note because she was going to be late, and I wrote "Hi Mrs Slifirski, I temporarilly kidnapped my sister to take to show-and-tell (not really, I just felt like it) Yours sincerely, Steph And I drew a happy face under it. And then I asked to go outside so I could call Bronwyn (my french tutor) and tell her I didn't feel up to seeing her that night. And the teacher let me, because she was in a good mood and is also very broody and maternal. I don't mind her form of broody-ness. She reminds me of someone, but when I think about it I realise that she reminds me of herself ... ok that would make no sense. Just ignore me, ok?
And then at lunch was Debating photos. I had to go and find Andrew and kick him in the foot and say "you're meant to be downstairs" and he said "Why...?" and I raised my eyebrow and he said "Oh right, that." and went. I love eyebrows. And consequently hate people who shave them off. That's just creepy. And has nothing to do with anything ... anyway, Gity and I followed Marie saying "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... We're in a room, Marie. " Taking mug shots of people proved rather more entertaining than one would expect of (hem hem) "mature" year 12 students. I won't go through it because most people reading this were there and it was all visual anyway. I may have to steal the photos off Wendy though ... I think she thinks I was in debating. I did turn up to one speech and occasionally helped with preparing things... Hehe, if I say I am, can I have a badge?
I discovered a new use for my jacket ... it is now to be used strictly for throwing over people. Also, coins are kidneys and must be stolen from AJ.
In maths I felt crap ... mix of headache and guilt at feeling happy. So I said "Mr Ross, can I go lie down somewhere?" Wow, talk about instant reaction ... he went all maternal and broody on me ... TOO MUCH CONCERN! I felt a bit like Christopher, I was like ... okay, please go away, I don't want you to care that much ... I don't have a swiss army knife though. Which is probably a good thing I guess. By the way, in case you haven't noticed, my life has somehow come to revolve around Curious Incident. Everything revolves around it, and I'm not entirely sure why ...
Anyway, I went to the library and found Marie. Sat down for a while, then Phil came and got me to move, and then realised that I was sick and was like, "Oh, sorry ... I meant it as a joke..." and Marie was like "Yeh, NOT funny." and then I went to the private study area except there were so many people I just went back to the library until the bell went. Then I decided that doing a french oral was a somewhat ludicrous proposition. I found AJ and she said that she would just tell Mme Saulais that I had gone home. But I didn't know whether I should go to the nurse or something. I found Bharat and he said I should probably go to the nurse so I did. I told her I wanted to go home because I felt crap (not in those words. I'm disgustingly polite and act all weak and helpless. I hate myself sometimes. Does work though.), and she said I needed to get my teacher to sign a note, and then she would phone my mum to pick me up and take me to the doctors. Which was somewhat dodgy because I HATE having to pull mum out of work to get me, and I have just strategically avoided doctors for the past week and I'm so very nearly better that it would be SO STUPID to go now ... but anyway. I went to french and she was in the other room letting someone listen back to their oral - the orals are 3 or 4 minutes long, and it takes her 15 minutes to go back over it with someone. What. The. Hell. Anyway, EVENTUALLY she came back and I told her "I'm really sick and I want to go home so I need you to sign a note." and she said "It's ok, you to it on monday." (In her ridiculous heavy french accent) Why can she not UNDERSTAND? But this is one time when it was a good thing ... I just lay down in the corner and dozed until the bell went, and so I didn't have to call mum out of work and see doctors. I hate doctors. Not as people, just as a whole institution. Anyway. I went and dozed at the bus stop with Gity. I didn't lie down and go to sleep like I did on Wednesday, but I still felt like a hobo. All I needed was some newspapers and a bottle in a brown paper bag ... hehehe, Hobo ...
When I grow up, I wanna be a hobo or a transgenic sheep-human hybrid ... Either would be good. Social outcast status! Woohoo!

And as I opened the door apon getting home, the phone was ringing and it was mum. She decided that we should go out to dinner. I can read her mind sometimes <Geoff isn't here ... I can't be bothered cooking ... going out would be easy ... I'll tell the kids it's to celebrate Steph's good score in Lit. That'll work ... he he I'm so deviously clever ...> Sure, mum, sure.
And Viv brought back Ms Slifirsky's reply to my note:

Thanks steph, I love the cheeky smile under yourname!

And she had drawn a smiley face too.
And Viv found my lost wallet in the car between the front seat and the door.
And we went to Michelangello's and had chicken and spag bog and pizza and I hope it won't make me depressed, and we had cake and mango juice and mocktails.
And it was a good day even though I didn't want it to be, and I have been on the computer for two whole hours when I should have been tidying up.
And everyone is addicted to Charlie the Unicorn.
Just because the unicorns sound like they're tripping out on LSD.
Hmm, hippy-ish ...
Come to candy mountain, charlie. It's a magical land of sweets and joy ... and joyness ...
Aw they stole my FRIKKIN KIDNEY!